I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
