he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
