cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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