You're my little dorito
It's Friday. Sex?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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