my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
