fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
