while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
