I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
