I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just high enough for therapy.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize