btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
