people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
