i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
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I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
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He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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