Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
