So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
