A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
