At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
