my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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