her vagine was all disorganized.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
