So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
