my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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