I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
