i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
