I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
