he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
