He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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