so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
