If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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