wakey wakey hands off snakey
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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