Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
