Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
