true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
