the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
