It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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