Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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