alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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