the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
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I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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