i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
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Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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