Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
