I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
