Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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