I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
