I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
