haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
the liver wants what the liver wants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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