i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
