I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
