i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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