Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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