yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
