You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
