woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
