can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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