bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
