Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
