On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
