when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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