Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
