Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
