nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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