Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
