Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
