I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
