You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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